


Laurens, I like you a lot

by incredibly_cold



Series: The Hamfam goes to college [8]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: College AU, Eliza is too good for this world, Everyone loves John, F/M, Hercules is the dad friend, Lafayette is a precious cinnamon roll, M/M, Modern AU, Unrequited Love, alex is kind of inconsiderate, but it really doesn't matter because he fails, except for John, he tries, heavily implied depression, it turns out happy though I swear, john is so pure and must be protected, risk behavior, this is mostly suffering tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 03:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6454747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incredibly_cold/pseuds/incredibly_cold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John was a junior, and he'd thought that having a freshman like Alex for a roommate would be a real drag. Thanks to Professor Washington though, they were living together, and it turned out that he was one of the least annoying people in the world. Actually, he was a little too great. John wished that he could be a little more horrible, so that he could hate him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Laurens, I like you a lot

John Laurens sat on the floor with his back against the couch. Beside and above him was Alexander, talking loudly about something political, like he was always doing. Even though he'd spaced off about five minutes ago, and had no idea what the conversation was about, he was turned to watch his friend attentively. The way his eyebrows raised and lowered as he went from making points to berating everyone who disagreed with him. It was beautiful. He was beautiful. Not in the same way that Aaron Burr was beautiful. Not that simple but flawless model-like facial structure. His friend's beauty was in the way that he spoke and thought. The way he got so excited when he talked about politics, and his tired eyes from working hard and never sleeping. Objectively he was just another skinny, rumpled college boy. His skin was pasty from time spent inside studying, and he wasn't the least bit muscular. Still, he was the most beautiful person that John had ever known.

They'd come over to Hercules Mulligan and Marie Lafayette's apartment to watch a movie, but that plan had gone to the wayside as soon as politics got brought up. Even among like-minded people Alex could find a way to argue for hours. Not that John minded. He was more than happy to watch him talk, with a small smile on his face. The other man was focused on their friends who'd been so kind as to invite them over. It would be nice to see the looks on their faces, but turning might draw attention to himself and ruin the moment.

He loved moments like this, but in a much more real sense he hated them. He hated them because they reminded him of who he was. Not the self that he'd been acting like for his entire life, but the one that liked to emerge at the most inconvenient of times just to remind him that his life was always going to be terrible.

Luckily, the moments did end, regardless of how he felt about them. Eventually the conversation came to a slowing point and Marie pulled him to the kitchen to help wash dishes. Hercules and Alex stayed in the living room to talk more. They worked quietly, listening to the other two until all four plates and the pan were clean. At that point he fully expected to go back and sit down, but instead he was guided to the door.

"Le petit tortue and I are going out." Marie announced, using the endearing nickname he'd chosen after only a few weeks of knowing each other. 'Little turtle.' He supposed it was pretty cute. "We'll bring back some dessert."

Hercules knew better than to question his boyfriend, so he just nodded. "Thanks babe, you're the best. Don't be gone too long."

The Frenchman smiled back at him and Alex and opened the door before shooing John out. If it were anyone else, he might have been irritated, but there was a certain something about Lafayette that made it impossible to get too worked up over anything he did. Maybe it was because he was foreign, and things like not explaining why they had to leave the apartment might be normal to him. It was hard to be strict about manners with someone from a totally different country and culture. Once the door was locked behind them, they went down the stairs together, still with no explanation of why the errand was so urgent. At least Lafayette was happy, bouncing down the stairs two at a time and then turning so that their faces were only inches from each other.

"You're pretty excitable tonight, huh?" John remarked, conversationally. The proximity bothered him a little, but he tried not to show it. This was one of many ways that his friend wasn't like American friends, his personal space bubble was much smaller.

"I'm always excitable when it comes to you!" He exclaimed as he turned and walked to his car. His phrasing made John blush, but he followed anyway and got in the car. Lafayette was watching him with an enormous grin already. "So you are in love with Alex." It was a statement, not a question. "Does he know about your feelings, or are you still pretending you two are just friends?"

He sighed quietly and shook his head. Of course Lafayette would drag him out in the middle of the night to talk about his love life. He was the only one John had ever told about being gay, and ever since he'd been trying to find him a boyfriend. "We _are_ just friends." He clarified. "Regardless of how I feel about him, without some kind of mutual agreement to be more, we are in fact friends. I do love him though, I guess. Is it that obvious?"

"To anyone with eyes. That is to say, he has no idea. Hercules suspects, I believe. I haven't told him anything about you, but you watch him like a puppy all the time, and you keep trying to sit places where he won't notice you staring. It's not hard to tell." He waved a hand as though this were all very simple and continued on to the more exciting parts. "I assume that you have not told him though, yes? You're too afraid."

John nodded. "Yeah, I am. As far as he knows I'm straight. Well, as far as everyone knows, other than you and now maybe Hercules."

"Ah, but you forget that Alex can spot someone who isn't straight from a mile away. And minorities do flock together, it would be a little odd if you were the one straight man," Marie snorted. He was so casual in shattering what John had thought was a very convincing facade. "I'm sure he already assumes that _some_ kind of  non-straight like the rest of us. You should say something, make a move."

In the thoughtful silence that followed, Marie started the car and pulled out. He didn't say where he was going, but it was probably to the grocery store to get ice cream or something. As blunt as he was, he was a great friend. He wasn't one to sit around and watch his friends mope about something as silly as unrequited love without at least making sure that it was unrequited. It was nice to have someone like him. In a way, his total lack of shame about anything made John feel more confident too. He decided that he would do what his friend suggested. After all, what harm could it do? Sure, they lived together and it would probably be terrible if Alex didn't feel the same, but being around Alex was already terrible because he was constantly hiding a fundamental piece of who he was and how he felt. It wouldn't be that much worse.

* * *

"I get the feeling Marie is sick of listening to me talk." Alex snorted. They'd gotten back to their dorm a few minutes ago, and John was already ready for bed. Not that he'd be sleeping tonight, he'd decided that it was best to get the whole crush thing out of the way now before he lost his nerve. Already he was shaky and sweaty, and his heart was beating hard and fast in his chest. His roommate on the other hand looked totally at ease in his pajamas. He wasn't going to sleep either, he never did at night. Too busy writing. "I mean I know I talk a lot, but he's never just left in the middle of a conversation. Did it seem like he was feeling okay to you?"

"He was fine, just a little antsy. He wanted to get out and stretch his legs for a while. You know how he is." The reply came out a bit more flat and sharp than he intended, and he winced. That wasn't a good start. "Hey Alex, can we talk for a minute?" He asked hastily, before his tone could be questioned.

"I uh... Yeah, of course." Alex replied. The slightest hint of his Caribbean accent touched his voice, as it only did when he was relaxed or caught off guard. There was definite concern there, and he John felt his stomach churn again.

"Look, I haven't wanted to say this because I was worried it would make things weird, and I really don't want to make things weird, but I feel like it's only going to get worse so... Here it goes, I guess." He took a deep breath to steady himself and tried not to look at Alexander's deeply worried face. "I can't think of a better way to say it... I like you. I understand that you probably don't feel the same way, but I thought you should know since it kind of does affect you." He bit his lip for the hundredth time since his talk with Lafayette and forced himself to make eye contact with the man across from him. He also hoped that the bloody taste was just his lip being raw and not actually bleeding, since that probably wouldn't look good.

There was a short pause in which the confusion and alarm on his face softened, and then he laughed. Actually laughed. John didn't know if that was good or bad. "God, you had me worried there for a second." He sighed, breaking eye contact for a second to run a hand through his hair. "So you like me then. As more than friends I assume, since you had to tell me. That's..." John waited for him to say what it was. Unfortunate? Great? Disgusting? Probably not the latter, but still. "I don't know what it is. I like you too. You're cute and sweet and I like it better when you're around."

He had been prepared for several outcomes, but this was not one he'd allowed himself to entertain. Alex liked him. Him. He was the one who didn't speak up a lot, but would get in a fist fight at the drop of a hat. The one who made impulsive decisions and jumped into things without thinking. He was about as far from charming as he could imagine a person being. Alex liked _him_. It was too good to be true. "You like me back?"

"Yeah, I do." He smiled. "So what are we going to do now? Do you think we should keep living together, or are you more of the conservative type?" He was probably teasing, he lived to tease. Still, the idea of moving dorms made John nervous. What were the chances he'd find another roommate he liked so much? 

"Well, let me know as soon as you find someone else who will let you stay with them for free." He shot back. "Which I'm more than happy to do, by the way. It means we get to be around each other." He didn't want it to sound like he begrudged Alex for not having enough money to pay for his share of the dorm, so he switched to a more flirtatious approach. "Why, do you think something is going to happen between us? Something that's maybe not so morally upstanding?" It wasn't the most subtle, but subtlety had never mattered much when it came to flirting with Alex. As much as John loved him, he was willing to admit he was a ho. Probably he wouldn't even be put off by him straight up asking if he wanted to have sex.

"Maybe, if you wanted." He crossed the three steps between them and rested a hand at the base of his neck. They'd been this close plenty of times, but never in quite the same context. John felt his heart racing, and he wondered about a hundred different things, like if the other man could feel his pulse in their current position. All of them seemed utterly unimportant, but incredibly loud bouncing around in his head as their faces grew closer together. When their lips finally touched, they were a steady roar that wouldn't die down. He didn't kiss back, didn't really know how in his current state.

Alexander noticed and backed away. "Some other time though. You should get some sleep." He was always considerate. At this moment, he was reading the hesitation as uncertainty, and he didn't want to push things. It was kind of him. A kindness that some people wouldn't have given him, and that he hadn't always accepted. He did appreciate it though, even despite the way it made his gut twist.

"Right. Thank you. I'll see you in the morning." John gave him a hug and flopped back onto his bed with a relieved sigh. He was glad that he'd gotten that off his chest, and that when one of them ended a conversation, they had an unspoken rule of leaving things alone. They didn't have a lot of privacy in a dorm, but it allowed them to pretend that they did. It provided time for both of them to think about what just happened, and what it would mean long term. It also gave them the chance to form vastly different ideas of what their relationship would be.

* * *

It had been almost a month since he and Alexander had started dating, and for once in his life, John felt content. He knew that dating wouldn't fix all of his many problems, but he didn't care. Having support and emotional and physical validation was enough for him. Knowing for certain that he was wanted made him feel much better on a day to day basis. When the thoughts crept into his head about how he was worthless and no one wanted him, he reminded himself that Alexander was choosing to date him. Alexander, who was never satisfied and who used to have sex whenever the opportunity arose, was going exclusively with him. He was good enough for somebody to love. The whole thing was still pretty secretive because John wasn't technically out yet, but they really were together. Or at least, he thought so.

"John, I think I'm in love." Alex sighed as he dropped all of his things unceremoniously to the floor. It was something he liked to do upon entering the dorm, and it was kind of annoying, but very cute. Not as cute as the dreamy look on his face though, nothing was ever as cute as his face.

"Yeah?" John teased. This was one of his dumb romantic things, and it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Most people would think it was stupid to talk to each other like they were talking about someone else, but even if it was weird, it was endearing. It was like getting to hear firsthand what kind of things Alex said about him when he wasn't around. "And who's the lucky person you've devoted yourself to?"

Alex looked over at him, and there was a distance in his gaze that seemed off. "Elizabeth Schuyler."

There was a split second where he thought it was a joke before the overwhelming nausea kicked in. Suddenly it felt like someone had punched him in the gut and stuck a vacuum in his chest. He couldn't breathe in all the way, and he was almost certain he would vomit. He knew the symptoms of an anxiety attack when he felt one, and he had it bad. "Eliza, yeah. Excuse me Alex, I need to go. Like right now. I'll see you later." He managed. He stood up and tried to squeeze past Alex through the door without touching him, which might have worked if not for the hand that went to feel his forehead.

"Are you feeling okay? You look kind of pale." He asked, that genuine concern all over his face again. His stupid, terrible face. John felt himself recoil and didn't bother to play it off. Maybe he'd assume that he didn't want to spread whatever sickness he was clearly coming down with. That or he wouldn't care. God, how could he have been so stupid? How could he really think that he was good enough for someone to care about as more than just someone to have around for stress release between actual relationships? It was selfish and idiotic.

"It's not a big deal." He assured the other man, in spite of the voice in his head screaming that it was a big deal. He turned around and walked away quickly before the tears could start. Panic tears. At least he could pretend right now that he had enough feeling to cry actual sad tears. Maybe that's why no one wanted him. He didn't have the emotional capacity to be a good son or friend or boyfriend. To be a good person. He needed a place to go. There was only one person who could help him now, and it was a reasonable walking distance to get to his apartment. Marie Lafayette.

* * *

Technically John didn't need to knock, since he had a key, but he did anyway. One thing that was sure to make him feel worse was walking in on his friends making out, or worse, having sex. Knocking was a good policy all around. It only took a few seconds before the door opened, and a sleepy Lafayette greeted him. "Ma petite tortue, what brings you here?" He was too busy rubbing the sleep from his eyes to be able to see the tear tracks. When John brushed past him and walked inside, he hummed and shut the door.

"Marie, I don't know what to do." He breathed, barely loud enough to be heard. He wanted to confide in Lafayette, but he also hated knowing that he was bothering him by waking him up from his afternoon nap. Clearly he was in the middle of one, since he was so tired. There was also the fact that he was in his boxers and alligator slippers, which was a pretty good hint. Either way, this was intruding. "Alex doesn't like me. I thought that he did, but he doesn't. I was just a convenient fuck that he didn't mind being around." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice, so he didn't try. It got his friend's attention at least.

All sleepiness disappeared from his face. He reached out with delicate hands, and guided him to the couch, where he sat both of them down. John could sit cross legged across from him, but Marie's long legs prevented him from doing the same, so he ended up sitting rather awkwardly with his knees drawn up to his chest. "Tell me what happened, mon amie. I know he didn't say these words, he does care for you," he started sweetly. "What has he done to make you think that way?"

Even the cute accent and french terms of endearment that he always threw in weren't enough to cheer him up this time. Not even a little. Instead, they made him feel worse. If Alex could use sweet words to make him think that they were in love with each other, then Lafayette could do the same to convince him they were friends. Part of him knew that it was stupid, but everything he thought he knew was being called into question. He'd never had an easy time trusting people, especially friends who didn't seem to want anything in return. He preferred it when people had a clear motive, that way he knew what to expect. Friendship generally didn't give him that. Now especially he wasn't eager to trust anyone, but he knew it would be better to talk. "He told me that he's in love with Eliza. Eliza, Marie. Not me. He doesn't love me." He'd kind of been hoping that saying it out loud would make him realize that it sounded stupid, but he had no such luck.

"Eliza Schuyler? When were they even together?" Lafayette asked, very unhelpfully. "How can he love her when he loves you? You two live together, you can't have grown apart." Again, unhelpful. He realized that and sighed quietly as he tried to think of a new course of action. One that would be less hurtful. "Listen, John. I know that he loves you. He's said it himself, and he wouldn't lie about that. This whole thing is a misunderstanding. Maybe he was saying that he loves her platonically."

"Yeah, and maybe my father is proud of me too." He grumbled. "You weren't there, so you don't know. He doesn't just love her, he's _in love_ with her. This whole thing is so stupid. Why did I ever believe you? Alex is too good for me. I know you want me to feel good about myself, and that's great, but I'm not good enough. I never was, and I never will be. I'm worthless. Everyone who's ever known me can tell you, but I chose to ignore it." It was like word vomit, he just couldn't stop it. He never told people about this side of himself. He preferred to let them think that he was emotionally healthy and stable, if a little self deprecating. "I was so stupid that I actually believed someone could love me. That _he_ could love me. Do you have any idea how naive that was? People like me, boring depressed people who hate themselves; they don't get happy endings. They don't get beautiful, wonderful, amazing people to fall in love with them. They just don't. Why would I think that I get to be an exception?"

It was hard to put a name to the expression that Lafayette was wearing. Fear? Horror? Sadness? It was too many things at once, all of them unpleasant. The one that came through the most in his voice was worry. "You are not worthless, and anyone would be lucky to have you. If you ask me, Alex doesn't deserve someone as kind and caring as you are." A valiant effort. It may have even worked a little if not for all the years spent telling himself he'd never be good enough. Unfortunately, he'd been doing that for most of his life, and he couldn't stop believing it now.

He slumped forward until his forehead hit the other man's knees. "Look, I'm not saying all of that to make you feel bad, it's just the truth. I've known what kind of person I am and what kind of miserable life I'm going to live since I was fourteen. Hell, things already started going to shit before Alex. I'm just angry that I was so stupid and I let myself get hurt like this. And I'm sorry because I know you were sleeping and you don't care about my dumb failing relationship, but I needed to go somewhere and I couldn't look at him. Not when he-" His voice was cut off by a fresh round of sobs, each tearing at his throat as he tried to hold them in. It was terrible.

"No, I do care." Long fingers reached out to play with his hair, in the same overly gentle way that someone might touch a glass doll. John didn't like it when people were delicate with him. He'd have felt more comfortable with a solid punch to the face, or if someone was to touch his hair, then using it to slam his face into the ground. Not that that was pleasant, but it was better than this. He usually found an excuse to fight someone when he was like this. The lack of quantifiable physical pain was unsettling, and the gentle touches made it worse. "I'm your friend, I'm here to help you and listen to your problems. Please, don't be so hard on yourself, you're a wonderful human being."

With some effort, John managed not to swat the hand away. If Lafayette was more of the fighting type, he might have just punched him and let himself get beaten up, but he wasn't a fighter at all. If he did decide to throw a punch, he would just look like an asshole and still not have anything happen to him. Plus then Marie really would have a reason to hate him. It wouldn't be worth it. "You're wrong, I'm not wonderful at all, I've done plenty of things that no one good would do. You don't even know that much about me."

The hand on his head stopped for a moment, but then resumed it's motion. "I know you well enough to say what kind of person you are, and you're a good one." His voice was soothing, but still grating, probably just by virtue of saying things he didn't like.

"Yeah, sure Marie. You think you know me, but you really don't. No one knows everything about me, and obviously I wouldn't have told you the bad things." He took the opportunity to sit up and lean back, out of the reach of friend. "Don't get me wrong, I really like you, and I trust you. The truth is that you wouldn't know what kind of person I am. You couldn't. You can't say whether or not I deserve to be loved."

It was funny in a way, how pain spread. Here John was, wallowing in his own suffering, and now he was passing on. Lafayette had been calm and happy when he'd shown up at his door, but now he looked just as sad and distressed as he was. A bit more worried though. "Then tell me about yourself. Maybe you'd feel better if you got it all out. If I could prove that people will still like you no matter what you've done, would that help?"

"No, I'm sorry. I should have stayed out and dealt with this myself. I'm just upsetting you. I'll go before Hercules gets here and I ruin his night too." He rubbed his face for a few seconds in a feeble attempt to snap himself out of his current state, and got up. "I really am sorry about this whole thing. It's no big deal."

In a horrible coincidence of time and space, Hercules chose exactly that moment to walk in the door. He looked back and forth between his distressed boyfriend and John, who was too ashamed of his current state to look him in the eye. He wasn't stupid, so it only took him a moment to realize that something was wrong, and that Lafayette wasn't the one with the problem. Upon that realization, he turned his attention to their guest. "John, it's nice to see you. What's wrong, did something happen? Maybe something to do with Alex, since he's not here comforting you."

Always so observant. There wasn't a good way to explain his way out of it, so he just shook his head. "I was just leaving, actually." He didn't actually give a reason, but he hoped that as his friends they would just let him go. Of course, he hadn't been too good about predicting his friends' behavior lately. As soon as he took a step towards the door, Hercules stepped to the side to stop him. He wasn't an easy person to squeeze around, and as a football player he had a bit of an unfair advantage when it came to blocking people.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's going on here, but I don't want you going out there on your own. It's nothing personal, you just tend to do stupid things, like pick fights. I don't want to let you leave so that you can get beaten to a pulp." He put one of his big, strong hands on John's shoulder, and this time John seriously considered throwing a punch. Hercules was a big guy, he could take a hit well, and he'd really be able to punch back. It just wasn't very likely that he _would_. Damn his stupid peaceful friends. "Why are you wanting to leave?"

"I need to hit someone." He huffed, arms folded. This really wasn't going the way that he'd hoped.

There was a pause, in which Hercules considered him before he spoke. "If you need to blow off steam, I'll let you hit me. Then you don't have to leave." At the spluttered protest from Marie, he raised his hand. "Please, french fry, I get tackled by people twice his size on a regular basis. I can handle a few punches if it'll help a friend feel better."

"Yeah, thanks for the offer, but that won't help. There's no point if you don't hit back." He sighed at their confused faces. "Look, there just isn't any purpose to punching someone who doesn't punch back. If that's what I wanted, I'd go to a gym and use a punching bag. If you want to be helpful, then just hit me. Me hitting you isn't what's important." The embarrassment of telling them why he really fought people was almost worth seeing the horrified expressions on their faces.

"John, I'm not going to hit you."

"Fine, then let me past so I can find someone who I can actually fight." He raised his eyebrows in a challenge, which was sadly ineffective. A challenge that didn't have a threat to back it up was basically useless. Hercules knew that he couldn't do anything.

He didn't even get a verbal response before his unfortunately strong football player friend had grabbed him around the arms, and he was being lifted off the ground. He couldn't even do anything but kick, and he didn't really see the point to that. It wouldn't help. He just hung there limply as he was carried back to the couch and set down. He knew he couldn't get to the door without being caught, so he stayed where he was, even before Hercules draped his heavy leg over his lap and Lafayette sat down at his other side. "So are you going to tell me what happened, or is Marie going to have to?" He wasn't asking in a threatening way, just trying to determine how this was going to play out.

"He can." John muttered quietly. He was done humiliating himself for the day. A simple, straightforward version from an outsider was all that was necessary. He stayed there in silence while Lafayette talked. It only took about a minute to explain. Funny how something that seemed so complicated could be thoroughly hashed out in just a few sentences. By the end of it, Hercules was looking at him with so much pity that he wanted to sink into the couch and stop existing.

"I'm so sorry, I know how much this must hurt for you." He said, and John had a flashback to last time one of his siblings had died. Really, he didn't have to talk about it like Alex was dead. He'd only decided that he deserved better, and rightfully so. It wasn't a big deal, the last little thing that made him think that he might actually be worth the food and water and space that he was wasting had been taken away, that was all. No reason to fuss.

There was nothing he could answer that would make him feel better so he just stayed there and stared at the wall. His friends didn't push him to say more, but after the silence had stretched on for a while, they hugged him. They held him like that and kept assuring him that they loved him, and cared about him, and didn't want him to get hurt. John didn't like the pity and tenderness, and he especially didn't like that the whole thing made him feel so hollow. Having two good friends wasn't enough for him, even though he knew he didn't deserve even that much. He should have been thankful that he had them, but he put so much of his self worth on what Alex thought of him, and without his love there wasn't a point to any of it.

* * *

Nearly a week had gone by since Alex had told his roommate about Eliza, and in that time they'd hardly seen each other. Every night John would show up early in the morning and sleep the couple of hours before his first class. He didn't talk other than a quick 'sorry' and an equally rushed 'good night.' It was confusing, and it was starting to get a little worrisome too. He was starting to wonder if he'd said or done something wrong, but he couldn't think of what.

When he got a text from Hercules saying that they needed to talk about John, his heart nearly leapt right out of his chest. He thought for sure that something terrible had happened, knowing his friend's knack for getting into fights he couldn't win. Had someone finally pulled a knife on him and ended things? He always worried about that happening. Then again, if that's what happened then it would probably be a doctor or police officer telling him, and certainly not by text. That was a small comfort at least. They arranged to meet at Arby's that night, after Alexander's last class.

It took forever for class to finally get out so that he could figure out what was going on with his friend. The walk over was even worse, because he kept thinking how much easier everything would be if he had a car. All three of his friends had cars, he was the only one who actually _had_ to walk everywhere. John tended to walk too, but it was out of preference, not necessity. He also took his keys with him everywhere, so Alex couldn't even borrow the car for the afternoon. He did see it in the parking lot as he passed though, so he knew it was there. Eventually he arrived, and when he did, his friend was already waiting. They ordered sandwiches and fries, all off the value menu, and Hercules volunteered to pay. All his friends volunteered to pay for him, because all of them had money. Lafayette and John more so, but still. Alex had learned to just accept it, because they'd end up leaving him money if he insisted on paying.

"What happened?" Alex asked, once they sat down with their food. "I haven't seen John in almost a week now, and I know something is wrong."

"You're damn right, something is wrong." Hercules responded rather forcefully, taking him by surprise. Even though he was the big, tough-looking football player, he was usually the most friendly and gentle person around. The hostility and actual glare coming his way were very new and alarming. "Look, I don't have a problem with your mess of a love life. You can have as many romantic or sexual partners as you want, I don't care. I _do_ care when you start hurting my friends."

He'd spent the day planning for just about every situation he could think of, but somehow this hadn't crossed his mind. He wasn't even entirely sure if this was related to John, or if it was something else that he had thought of that made him mad. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean."

A heavy sigh, clearly trying to calm himself. "You and John. I know that you two were having... I don't really know how far it went. You were having sex, and I know that he was under the impression it was more than that. I'm not going to say it was a romantic relationship, because I honestly have no idea what it was, but the point is that you need to do something about it." He watched and waited for something. When he got only a blank stare, he plowed on. "Look, you fucked up. I'm not mad at you for doing it, but I am going to be pissed if you don't fix it. John thought that you two were dating, and then you tell him you're in love with someone else. He's not exactly a stable person, and now he's a wreck. He thinks you don't care about him, and that what he thought was you loving him was... Well I think he called himself a 'convenient fuck.' It's bad."

There were a lot of horrible experiences in Alex's life. Ones that made him think he could never feel worse about himself and his actions than he did in those moments. This one was worse than any of them so far. It did make sense. It explained why John kept avoiding him, and really it sounded like something that he would do and think. All of it was his fault, every last bit. If something happened, it would be because of him. He didn't know what to do. "I didn't realize..."

"I know you didn't," Hercules said, more gently. "He didn't tell you because he didn't want to bother you. He's been staying over with Marie and I, which is better than going out and getting himself hurt, but you need to fix this. He needs to know what was really going on between you, and he needs some kind of closure," he paused to crack a smile. "And I need my boyfriend to stop complaining abut John eating all of his dinosaur chicken nuggets."

Even feeling as terrible as he did, that made him smile a little. They all liked to make fun of Marie for liking such a childish food. It was practically all he ate, even though he was rich enough to afford pretty much anything, and he could get something much better. Even the funniest joke couldn't have made him feel entirely better now. Not while he knew that he had single-handedly ruined the mental and emotional state of the one person who he trusted and cared about most in the world. He knew that John struggled with things. Not so much because they'd talked about it, in fact he was pretty sure that his friend didn't believe he actually had any mental health issues. He probably just thought that everything wrong with him was his own fault. He always blamed himself for everything. Alexander should have been more careful, Should have known what kind of an effect this would have on him. When had he started being so careless with his friends? He really hadn't meant any harm, but even a little bit of forethought would have told him how this would end. This was just plain stupidity on his part. "So what do you think I should do? I don't want to hurt him any more, but I don't know how to sort this out without hurting him. I mean, I never really intended to date him. I thought we both wanted something a little more open and casual."

"I don't know. I think you just need to be honest. Break off whatever the two of you had going on, and agree to be friends. I mean, if you don't intend to actually date him exclusively, that would probably be the best plan. Just don't keep leading him on. You _could_ break things off with Eliza too, if you'd like that better." He shrugged. "Look, I haven't really talked with him about this, but something has to change. He doesn't even know I'm telling here you about any of this at all, but Marie and I thought you should have some idea what's going on, since it's sort of your fault. Inadvertently, of course." This last sentence was thrown in as a second thought, meant to keep him from feeling bad. It did the opposite.

They didn't talk very much beyond that. There wasn't a lot more to discuss, and Alex was too busy going over and over what had happened to bring up a new topic. He needed to find a nice way to explain the situation. He needed to get home and start writing out a speech for when John got home. It had to be something good enough to show him that he still really cared, and delicate enough not to hurt him without being so delicate that it sounded forced.

* * *

In the end, it didn't mater what he wrote, because he didn't say any of it. He had the sense to turn off the lights before he waited for his roommate to arrive, so that he wouldn't see it was on under the door and leave. He came in at around two in the morning, and started to get into bed quietly.

"John." He spoke up from his own bed.

The sound of his voice cutting through the silence made the older man jump, and he turned around very quickly. "You're awake." It wasn't happy, like it usually would be. Instead, he sounded wary of the situation, like an animal that was just starting to realize it was caught in a trap.

"Yeah, and I think we need to have a talk," Alex started. He felt that he might as well jump right into things, since neither of them would want to have this talk. Why draw it out? As soon as he said it, he could feel the tension in the room double. "We haven't really talked since I told you about Eliza, and I know you're upset about it. I'm really sorry about this whole thing."

"Please, Alexander, we don't have to do this," John pleaded. He stayed where he was, stiff and unmoving. Like if he held still then Alex might forget about him and go to bed.

He wished that he really could ignore this and move on, but it had already gone on for too long. They had to do it now. "No, you've been avoiding me, and we can't keep putting it off. I know that all of this is my fault, and I'm not going to try to deny that in the slightest. I just need to try to set things straight. Please sit down," he started. It was a little surprising when the other man actually did. "I don't want go about this the wrong way, so I'd like to start by apologizing. I've been leading you on, and I shouldn't have done that. I would like to say I didn't realize I was hurting you, but that doesn't really matter. I know that I did. It was a mistake." Alex was looking to John for a reaction so he knew what to say next, but he didn't get anything. He was so blank. "You're my closest friend. I trust you more than anyone in the world, and even when I hate everything else, I still can't come close to disliking you. Honestly, if someone told me that they could give me everything that I ever wanted and make me achieve every goal I've made, but I could never see you again, I would tell them to go fuck themselves. It just wouldn't be worth it. I really do care about you," he hesitated for a second. "But I just don't love you romantically."

There was a pause. In the dim light from the power strip he could see his friend close his eyes and tip his head back. He still said nothing.

"I'm so sorry. If you want me to get out, then I understand. Washington told me I could sleep in his office before he told me you were looking for a roommate, and that offer is probably still open, so you don't need to feel like you have to let me stay." He hated to suggest it, because he really didn't want to leave, but if that would be better for John, he'd do it. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. If we can still be friends, then I'd like to be, but if you don't want to be around me I understand," he finished.

There was silence, and it stretched on for what felt like hours, but was more likely around five minutes. "I don't want you to leave." There was more silence, shorter this time, before he continued. "I understand, I guess. It was stupid of me to assume that there was anything more going on than what you said directly. I'm not mad at you for it, and I'm not going to make you stay in Professor Washington's office."

"You weren't stupid, I was misleading you," Alex protested.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. The point is, you can still live here. Now, if it's okay with you, I'd like to go to bed. It's been a really long day. We can just be back to normal from now on," John promised him. He gave a reassuring smile as he lifted the covers and climbed into bed, still fully dressed. "Good night, Alex."

* * *

Things did not go back to normal. Not that Alex honestly believed they ever would, but a part of him had been hoping. They used to be able to touch casually and not care, but that ability was gone. Now when they would brush against each other, John would flinch away like he'd been burned. He didn't make eye contact except when it was absolutely necessary, and he spoke with a forced cheerfulness that wasn't like him. He was trying, but things were off.

Things only got worse when Eliza was around. She and Alex had started dating, to no one's surprise. She and John had always gotten along before, they were friends, but now they could hardly be in the same room anymore. Neither of them was at all hostile, and Eliza in particular was still quite fond of her boyfriend's roommate, but he couldn't face her. Whenever she was around, he looked nervous and ashamed, and he usually found a reason to excuse himself. It got to a point where she felt so bad that she tried to stay away from him at all times, for his sake. Only hearing about her instead of seeing her did make things a little better.

Eliza was nothing if not patient. She was willing to put up with a lot, but there was a point where she had to draw a line. That point came about two months after she and Alex had started going out. Long enough for him to have gotten over someone that he didn't even actually date. They were watching movies at her apartment, or at least they had movies on, they really weren't paying much attention to anything happening on screen. Since Angelica wasn't home, there was nothing stopping them from doing whatever they wanted. Naturally that meant that they were making out, since they didn't get to do that when they were around other people. They were perfectly happy just kissing and touching for quite a while, until Alex pulled away.

He sighed in frustration and dropped his head to rest on her shoulder. Already, she could sense where this was going, the exact same place that things kept going half of the time when they started to get intimate. "Eliza, what are we doing? This is so fucked up. I toyed with his emotions and then I just moved on right away and rubbed my happiness in his face. He's not even dating someone else, he's just getting to watch me date," he groaned. "Do you see where this is really terrible or am I making a big deal out of nothing?"

"I think I see that something that's terrible," she huffed back. It wasn't that she was angry with him so much as she was bored with having this conversation over and over again. When they'd started going out she'd been wanting their relationship to be like their friendship. Sweet, friendly, full of caring and conversations. She'd thought she would get to know him better and learn all of the things that he kept to himself. None of that had happened. They did talk, but any time it moved into anything personal, they wound up back here. "Look Alex, I really like you. I want things to work out between us, but I also have enough self respect to know when they aren't."

The weight of her boyfriend's head on her shoulder disappeared as he jerked his head up to look at her. "What?"

"Please, we can't have any kind of decent relationship if you keep on thinking about John. I'm not trying to say that you can't have friends, it would be kind of weird if you only ever talked to me, but this isn't normal. Most guys don't think about their friends while they're feeling up their girlfriend. The point is, you still have feelings for him, and you need to sort all of that out before we can really even consider dating." She gave him a smile that was only partly forced. "It's okay, I want you to be happy. I want _both_ of you to be happy, and I can't be the one standing in the way anymore." His dark eyes stared at her blankly for so long that she couldn't help but giggle. She wasn't happy, but he was so rarely speechless and it was funny to watch him suffer a little.

That snapped him out of it. "Wait, no laughing. Are you breaking up with me? Because of John?" Alex continued to stare her down without blinking, which was sort of unsettling with their faces so close together. There wasn't even any hurt there, just disbelief.

"Yeah, I guess I am." She ruffled his hair in an effort to simultaneously show affection and push him further away. Hair ruffling was about the most friend-not-girlfriend thing she could think of. "I just can't bear the inevitable moment when you say his name while we're having sex. Gotta cut it off before you ruin my self esteem completely. I just can't be second to him."

"I didn't-" He sat up and ran both hands through his hair anxiously. "Eliza please, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I've just had a lot on my mind. Come on, you haven't been living with him, you don't know what its like! I just feel so bad all the time. I can stop talking about it if you want me to!" He pleaded. He was clearly distressed, but more so at the idea that he'd been hurting her than that they weren't going to be a couple. "If you just give me a second chance, I promise I can be a semi-decent boyfriend. Probably even a good one."

"No, you don't get to feel bad about this. I'm being the generous caring friend here who's looking out for the people she cares about, and I'm not letting you take that away from me. I will not be the heartless girlfriend who forces her poor boyfriend into some strained artificial relationship where he can't be around his friends or talk about his feelings. I refuse." Eliza took him by the shoulders and forced him to look her in the eye. "You are going to go out as a single guy and win back John's heart, and then we are going to sit around and chat about how great an idea this was, and how happy both of us are in our new relationships."

"But Eliza-"

"No buts. I happen to have an interest in someone else, and I'm not letting this sad excuse for romance keep me from pursuing it." She told him, more firmly. "Stop being so determined to stick with your decisions when they make you miserable. Give up your pride for once and be happy with him."

Eliza gave him a hug, and they stayed there silently for a while. "Eliza, you're the best girlfriend anyone can ask for." He finally said. It was a bittersweet compliment. She wished he could have thought that when they were still dating.

* * *

John heard that Alex and Eliza had broken up. Not from his roommate, which he wasn't sure what to think of, but by Angelica. She mentioned it in passing, and seemed genuinely surprised when he didn't know about it. "It happened over a week ago, I'd have thought he would have said something." She'd responded when he'd asked what she was talking about.

"No, I hadn't heard anything." He told her. She'd given him an odd look and told him she had to go, and he'd thought of little else for the next day. That's why he was even more unnerved than usual when Eliza showed up at their door while Alex was away. He couldn't think of any possible reason for her to be there, but he also couldn't think of any reason to turn her away.

"John, I was talking to Angelica and she said you didn't know about Alex and I." She smiled at him pleasantly, but it wasn't enough to hide the fact that she wasn't sure how to continue. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, I guess so." He stepped out of the way for her, uncertainly. Their room was a terrible mess, but she was probably used to that since she was dating the main mess-maker. "I'm sorry, is there something you need? A jacket that you left over here or something?"

She shook her head and sat down on the swivel chair at the desk between his and Alex's beds. Making herself comfortable, that really made him... Uncomfortable. "Actually I need to talk to you, it's about Alex," she started, still with that weirdly amiable smile. "He didn't tell you about us, which I think is my cue to do something. The thing is, I broke up with him. I thought you might want to know why." He didn't encourage her, he honestly didn't care why they broke up. He didn't like the idea of them being in an unhappy relationship. She plowed on through the total lack of response. "I'm not trying to gossip, I want to tell you because it concerns you."

That piqued John's interest. "How does it concern me?" He inquired, carefully. He didn't want to sound too eager, but she was kind of laying this whole thing out on a platter for him. They'd been friends before, and he couldn't believe that she'd taunt him like this if it wasn't something he'd be happy about.

"I'm not sure why he hasn't told you about us, but I think that he's too nervous to say anything. I broke up with him because I knew he felt like he couldn't break up with me. Not after he ended things with you for the sole purpose of dating me. He still has feelings for you." She paused again, looking for something. Happiness, maybe. He was too shocked to feel happy though. "He thinks about you a lot. Almost every time that we kissed or anything, he would always stop and worry about you. It kind of ruined the moment." He noticed that she was gracious enough not to specifically mention any of the other times that he was brought up. She knew kissing was about as far as he was comfortable discussing.

Alex thought about him when he was with Eliza? That was... He didn't really know. It seemed like he should be a little embarrassed, but he couldn't help being happy about it. But if that was why they broke up, why wouldn't he have said something? Well, never mind about that, if Alex had come home and said he and Eliza had broken up and he wanted them to be together now, he'd probably have been offended. He didn't want to be a consolation prize, and that's probably why Alex hadn't told him. "I'm sorry?" He finally managed, unsure of what else to say.

"The point is, I want you two to be happy, and I think that you'll be happy together." Eliza took his hand in hers, and for the first time in a while he looked at her without feeling sad and inferior. She was really a very kind woman. He never could hate her, as much as he wanted to, and now he was finding it in himself to actually like her again. "But for that to happen, you need to know what's going on too. Don't let him sit around and not make his move, you two deserve to be together."

"So you really broke up with him so that he and I can be together? You're okay with that?" He wanted it to be true, but he couldn't fathom a person being willing to give up someone like Alex to let him be with another person. He wasn't that selfless, he supposed. She was a better person, the kind that actually deserved to be with him.

She nodded. "Yeah, completely okay with it. Look, I love him, so I want him to be happy. It would be great if I could give him that, but right now it isn't happening." A pause, and she laughed. "Plus, I won't sit around and be a second choice or an obligation to anyone. Not even him. I can find someone just as good who isn't hung up on someone else." Eliza noticed his wince of shame and stood to pull him into a hug, which caught him completely off guard. "I'm not reminding you of that part to make you feel bad, it isn't your fault. I'm just saying that this is going to benefit me too, so it's not some kind of sacrifice of my own happiness. I'm already feeling much better now that we aren't together. Don't feel bad, this is good for all of us. We'll still be friends."

After an awkward moment of trying to figure out what he should do, he hugged her back. "Thank you, Eliza. I'm sorry that things didn't work out well between you."

"It's okay. Good luck on your new future boyfriend."

* * *

It was John's turn to wait up and ambush his boyfriend. Not that he had to wait quite as long since he wasn't actually avoiding him, but he still felt like it was a similar situation. Alex looked about as startled by the sight of him sitting in the swivel chair facing the door as John had felt when their places had been switched. They'd hardly even made eye contact in the past two months, mostly because of him, and now he was breaking out of that. "John, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's pretty good," he started. This was kind of a difficult subject to breach. He didn't want to sound too happy about it, otherwise he might have used the word great. Good was better though, more reserved. "Eliza came over today."

His roommate straightened up and looked at him suspiciously. "Eliza was here? What did she say? Did she leave something here or what?" He asked in the rapid fire way that he always slipped into when he really wanted to know something. It was cute, and he allowed himself to acknowledge it for the first time in quite a while. "She didn't say anything unusual, did she?"

"She told me that you broke up."

There was silence for a minute while Alex shifted around uncomfortably. Maybe that had been the wrong thing to say, too blunt. Even if Eliza said he still had feelings for him, that didn't mean he was okay after their breakup. It was pretty careless to assume it would be fine to bring it up. What if he'd just ruined everything by trying to swoop in and get him when he'd just went through something as emotionally strenuous as a breakup? God, this was already a disaster. "Yeah, I guess she would have. Why would she keep it from you, right?" He was clearly trying to sound light and jokey, but it didn't come off that way. "She didn't happen to say anything else, did she? Nothing weird?"

Now it was up to his own discretion. He could either talk or not. If he didn't say anything then Alex might not ever be upfront about what happened, but if he did then things would probably get really uncomfortable between them. It wasn't like he could say 'I know you still love me' and then everything would be solved and they'd live happily ever after. That was completely unrealistic. More likely it would just make him all the more guilty because of all the time wasted being so awkward around each other. It was a tricky situation. "No, nothing weird really. We did talk a little bit though."

"Oh, well did you have a good time? I mean, not that you wouldn't have." Actually it would have been perfectly reasonable to assume that they wouldn't have a good time. Thinking that they did would have been far more unreasonable. "I know things have been a little weird between you two, so I thought it might have been uncomfortable to have her over." Good, so he wasn't ignoring that ever so important fact.

John shrugged noncommittally, but gave his best shot at a knowing smile. "It wasn't so bad. You know, I actually do like her as a person. I know I haven't been showing it a lot lately, but I do. We were friends before either of us met you."

"Yeah, I know. And she cares about you a lot," Alex admitted, with a breathy laugh. "She's a pretty amazing person, I'm gad we both know her..." He trailed off for a second, his eyes fixed on a spot on the floor. When he spoke again his voice was more strained. "I'm sorry if I kind of screwed up your ability to be friends with her. I didn't mean to do anything like that. I didn't mean to do a lot of things, not that it matters much. I just hope that my mistakes haven't messed things up permanently for anyone."

"I don't know, I think we'll be okay. We have a pretty good friendship, she reminded me of that today."

This was all the hint that Alex needed apparently. He finally crossed to his bed and sat down. "Okay, so I know she told you. I really should have known that she would if I didn't, but I guess I still wanted to wait until I could think of a good way to do it," he laughed, more openly this time. It was amazing how visible it was that the whole thing was an enormous weight off his shoulders. "I thought that you would be angry. Are you?"

There was no good answer to that question. He wasn't mad at Alex, but he knew logically that he should be. He just had a really hard time getting angry about things like being disrespected, or at least he did when it came to his friends. The true answer would be to say that he was really happy. Way happier than he should be. Also kind of guilty because now he was the boyfriend stealer. That was probably not the best response. John took a while to speak up. "No, not really. I understand that you've been doing what you think was best. Like this, you didn't just come home the day she ended things and expect me to just fall into your arms. The whole thing has been kind of a train wreck, but you've been respectful. I can't be mad at you when you've been trying your best."

"John, sometimes I think you're too nice. I know it benefits me right now, but you should stand up for yourself more," he smiled, a little sadly. "I'm glad you aren't mad at me though."

"Yeah, well to be fair, I am more willing to let things slide with you. You get a free pass where other people don't," He admitted. He felt like he should defend his honor a little, after all he wasn't going to let just anyone walk all over him. That was a privilege reserved for his friends. He'd fight someone else at the drop of a hat. "I like you and I want to be around you, even when things are kind of shitty. You, Alex, are my main weakness." It was so corny that he couldn't even make eye contact while he said it, and he felt his face heating up.

With his eyes focused on the floor to his other side, he couldn't see Alex move, but he could feel the hand that came to rest on his leg. It was hard to ignore. "I want to make sure you know, the breakup doesn't matter. I'd like to try again with you and actually get it right this time, but it's your choice and I understand if you aren't interested anymore. I know you, and I don't want you to feel like you and I have to make this work because Eliza broke up with me intending for us to date. You come first. I had my chance and I fucked it up, so this one is yours."

John didn't say anything at first, just wound their hands together. It was nice, being like this again. There was no way to be sure that it was really going to last, but he was going to enjoy it while the moment was here. "I know, and I wouldn't turn it down in a million years."

"Then come here." Alex pulled him over and into a hug. "John, I really love you." And it was like that, nice and warm in his arms, head resting comfortably in the crook of his neck that he let himself feel happy again. He wasn't a second choice, and he wasn't the most convenient option. It was comforting to know that he was actually loved and wanted, and there was nothing better than getting that from the one person he cared about most.


End file.
